I’m having one of those shit ass days. Days when you wake up and your body is sore, your head hurts and you just don’t seem to think of anything else but nasty negative thoughts.
It feels like I’m so behind. it feels like I’ve wasted so many years of my life chasing after something that I don’t even know what it is. I’d like to say, relationship. I’d like to say “a life”. I’d like to say, “being happy”. I’m in a relationship now, life is happening and I wouldn’t say that I’m always happy.
I left the idea of having my own fashion business behind 7 years ago and am kicking myself today with the realisation that if I had just gone and got a junior job somewhere, where would I be today? Would life have been totally different today?
I’m kicking myself for staying in the same job where I’ve been in the last 4 years and I haven’t moved up, sideways or even gotten a pay rise. AND I’m still there working each day making as much as I could to pay for my bills.
I’m kicking myself for doing two courses in the last 4 years and have racked up a huge debt.
I’m tired of doing things that seem “wrong” to others and trying to do what’s right by them and please them. Some people just can never be pleased.
I feel like I’ve lost the battle and everything is just going to be the same. I even read this article – http://www.writechangegrow.com/2011/05/does-it-feel-like-everyone-is-moving-forward-except-you/
and felt reminded that other people feel the same (yes, other people are like me) and there are people that are in a worse place.
I’m really tired of focusing on myself. Looking at life from myself and always about myself. That I make decisions based on what I think is right, only to find out in the end that it wasn’t right in the others eye.
I can feel that I’m starting to resent things. Resent where I live, resent where I work, resent some of the choices I’ve made.
Was I hiding when I was away. Yeah, I probably was. What was I hiding from. The shit life of always “trying” always chasing after people who’ve done it. The shit life of everything being the fucking same. The fact that I still don’t have my own place, I don’t have a job that pays me more with the potential to keep building, I don’t have a business that’s paying me and I still don’t have the monetary capacity to pay off my debt and buy the simples in life like make up.
And you know what, it’s all sounding so First World Problems-ish. Like, “Shut the fuck up bitch, you have a lot more than most people”.
Aren’t we all a little like that though?