Month: August 2013

Presenting and Public Speaking

Back in the days, public speaking was something that I was ok with. I just had issues with small talk and showing feeling.

Over the last few years I’ve run so many presentations and ive gotten used to it. Loved it too.

Recently ive been having doubts. If anything, even a little hesitant in wanting to stand in front of people to present an idea or speak.

Now having just run a seminar with some lovely ladies, ive found that I fucked up big time. And feel even more like I dont know what im doing. I feel so open and vulnerable and feel shitty but in a way good. .. if that even makes sense.

Ive been feeling very strange lately. One big thing is im learning to not look at other people for recognition? Dammit lost the word. It’ll get to me.

Ive realised that no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit about what I do. No one celebrates what I do. No one even wants to care about what im doing.

And its only now do I really understand when they say, no one gives a shit about what you do except you. And rightfully so right?

You are the only one who will care about what you come up with. You are the only one who cares about what youve achieved. You are the only one who will laugh at your own jokes.

The funniest people on youtube are those who laugh at their own shit and started making those videos for them to laugh at.

Having millions of fans is a bonus. Having money is a bonus.

I sometimes wonder why I do these womens seminars. Initially it was to market our business and make money. Now it feels more like marketing the event and making the event sell rather than selling our business. I havent made any money to date. Not at all. Having fucked up today will mean I wont make any. I didnt even get ppl wanting to have the book. And the book is fucken free.

And I guess at the end of the day… my thoughts are not that im upset but more of a learning curve.

Not everyone is going to want my product. Not everyone is going to enjoy what I have to say. Not everyone is going to want what I have to give. Just like the bowl of soup that my boyfriend left for 2 weeks.

Another thing that I learmt from this is what these women want. Not a lot of them want relationship stuff. They want sex. These are oldies who want sex.

And that is what im going to talk about next, sex.

I do feel like what is the purpose of all this. What will I achieve and what will I get.

But also, what else have I got to give?
Well… I guess.. in my space of Saturn Return. Lets see what happens next

Mental Exhaustion

I’m feeling exhausted and pretty overwhelmed.

One of the challenges of being an entrepreneur or (an aspiring entrepreneur) is having lots of things going on each day. Life would be easier if I had the one job. And it would be ok to have the one job with many projects, but having lots of different jobs – gets to you.

I’ve been reading the book “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, one of those books that you wait for for ages to be released. I bought it recently, read 7/8 of it with only one chapter left and wow, it’s really shifted many things in my life. For one, I stopped feeling shame or guilty for things that I havne’t made a mistake. I’m the kind of person that fears making other people upset or feel like a faulted someone else – I know I’m not the only one. I guess we feel a lot of empathy and sympathy for someone else and try our best to make them happy or “not sad” if that’s the only thing we can do.

In that, I’ve started to build my boundaries – say no. Look out for myself. Stand up for myself. It’s all too new and it’s feeling uncomfortable. I guess I have to sit with that.

So I’ve been up to lots of different things – coaching thing, networking thing, my women’s seminar thing, and recently got back into my fashion thing – both speaking and physical creation.

It’s been great. And I’m speaking to more creative people which is fantastic.

What I am now, is feeling exhausted. I haven’t slept well lately – bad patterns of sleeping really late, feeling my stomach hurt and then waking up relatively late and too exhausted to get out of bed.

I am feeling the pain from the gap of where I am to what I would like it to be to be even more painful. At the same time though, I am feeling more and more excited – that bubbly feeling like something is going to happen… anticipation.