Being 32 – Another Year Older
Ok, this has to be one of the longest breaks I’ve had from my blog in a long while. Goddamnn.. Karen, 4 months!!??!!
lol… Let’s just say so much has been happening lately – Uni, Pole dancing, up and downs in the world of relationships, family stuff, new opportunities, annoying stuff… argh..
To back track on the few posts I wrote a few months ago, I’ve continued to fire and hire people in the last few months – have 2 or 3 on the line to fire but… BUT.. I ended up leaving myself. Many reasons why I chose to leave – the biggest one being time, the second being culture and feeling more and more like I don’t fit in. I guess you can only lie to yourself so much before your calling starts calling really loudly and you start to want to go and do what you’ve always wanted to do.
So yes… I can’t even remember when was the last time I was unemployed. I’ve always had some sort of contract work. Though, it’s not unemployment because I want to be free, it’s because I am doing full time study for uni this summer and I had to free up my time if I wanted to do well.
Yep. Three subjects. I don’t know how I will handle that, but hey.. I don’t want to drag it on for longer. I’m doing 2 subjects that require a lot of time and effort and an internship. That, I’m so excited for! A chance to work as a management consultant doing something with meaning for someone of weight. So I’m really excited for that and I wanted to spend a lot of time in producing the best damn report ever. lol
Since the last time I wrote, I also did Level 1 twice at the pole dancing place. I hear people say that it’s ok to repeat levels, even though, they just mean repeating a higher level, but I repeated the entry level. Though, I think that’s the best thing I did as I perfected the basic tricks and became a lot stronger. I would’ve continued, but right now, I just want to focus on one thing at the one time. Technically, I can have another night out for Level 2, but right now when I don’t know what to expect, it’s really hard for me to say yes to something and then say no later. I’ve already checked, I have to read 4 articles, a couple of chapters, complete some tasks and research each week. As much as I would love to dance, I don’t think I can.
I guess, there’s a huge part of me that is freaking out right now.
Exactly like how I felt when I was about to start uni in 2015 – what was it like, would I be accepted, would I cope, where do I park my car??
Expect right now, I feel like – omg, can I cope with three subjects, will the internship place like me, will I be able to handle studying full time and not working, what am I going to do each day, will I still live healthily, I don’t want to be a night owl again, will I get a job afterwards, is this the right choice?
All very valid thoughts – all very real thoughts – but all very anxiety provoking thoughts.
I willed for this to happen – and I am very excited. I guess it’s just like buying that ticket to New York with all that you’ve got and hopes and dreams and just waiting and anticipating for the big day to arrive so that you can go and experience your dreams.
I’m very sure that everything will be fine and I will be working really hard each day on my subjects. I really want to have business strategies, operations and an internship under my belt before starting to look for a job in the new year.
I really want to work out what I like, what I want and how I want my future to look like before I jump right into it. I think back to my twenties and how I persisted on a life that I’m not sure that I even wanted or even knew what it would be like. Right now, I feel like life is going in the best direction and there’s that little part of me that is freaking out and hoping it doesn’t turn sour. I guess an old limiting belief that has surfaced because of the fear of losing what I have now.
Fear is a numbing emotion but I guess it reminds me of the value in what I have now.
The more I stepped into the space of uncertainty, the unknown, the vulnerable and raw space – the more the anxieties and fears started to surface. The negative voices got stronger. The rules started to resurface again. So much so that I got out of bed and started to write them down, what is real and what is untrue. How much my mind has been wired to think and have negative expectations from a situation and then now I am seeking for it to happen when that situation happens again – almost like, knowing your body will push forward a little and the seat belt tightens when you break, and when it doesn’t happen, it feels weird.
Sometimes I feel like my gut feelings and my head feelings are indecipherable – the entwined embodiment of opposing thoughts. What does my heart say vs gut vs head? What does this all mean and is this temporary from the anxiety of the unknown or just emotions from not doing any physical work in the last few days.
My birthday celebration was great. I was very spoiled this year. Great dinners after dinner – activities – catching up and pretty much spending all day with this new guy doing cool things that I like doing. I know it took a lot out of him and I didn’t want it to be like that. I appreciate what we’ve done.
What I’m really worried about at the moment is what is life going to be like in a few weeks. It sounds stupid, but I’m such a planned and organised person that the thought of not knowing, kind of freaks me out. I will be travelling for work next week, that’s a plus. I will be in and out of the city for meetings.
My fear is waking up Monday morning and thinking.. ahh.. shit.. what do I do today? I’m those people who just doesn’t know how to deal with spare time – feeling restless, feeling jittery, feeling like I need to go do shit. I revisited my blog and website – and now I really understand that my coaching business and blog are hobbies. Never will be something I do full time. lol
I’m the A-Type personality that likes to do stuff. The person that likes control. The manager that likes to control. But when it comes to relationships, the more I control the situation because of the fearing of losing it, the more I push away and it becomes counter-intuitive. And don’t we all do that.
The only thing I can control is myself. The only thoughts I can control is my own thoughts. The only power I have is the power to change my own destiny.
I willed and manifested for these things to come and I got it. In some ways, I also manifested that I leave the workplace and just fully focus on what I need to focus on from now until February 2017.
And then I have manifested for new things to arrive by then. So what’s the problem, Karen?!!
It’s all just part of the plan, the unfolding of what is meant to happen. So just enjoy, believe and trust what you have manifested for yourself.
I think it’s the struggle between growing up and getting older and owning that you are getting older. It’s becoming a woman and knowing what a woman is and what is the woman that the man you want to have wants. It becomes a acknowledgement or polarised attraction.
Who do I want to become, what do I want to do, what do I want to have and what makes me happy?
I’ll leave you with that.
Happy Birthday Karen x
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