Hard times, Grief and Redundancy

22 Dec , 2014 Thoughts

Hard times, Grief and Redundancy

Yo peeps, here’s a post with emojis to further illustrate my emotions.

Its been a long few weeks since I wrote anything. Yes, I have spent this time licking wounds. We had the Xmas party as well which was interesting. I’ll get to that in a sec.

I tried my best to keep positive in the last couple of weeks but it was hard. It was hard because a part of me knew it was the best thing to leave but the other part was still upset that it was me who left. After speaking with pretty much every female in the organisation, i realised that it was just me that was asked to leave. 👿

Anyway. I went xmas shopping last week, just to take the mind off me and put it into the spirit  of giving. All day I had been thinking about the five stages of grief and where I was. I guess, as a way to help me understand why I was still feeling shit and where I was up to. Yes, control freak coming out. Finally when I got to Chadstone, I sat under the big starry installation outside of David Jones and googled the five stages of grief …

Five stages of Grief:

1. Surprise/shock/denial – yup, happened on the first day😯
2. Anger – yup, the day after. Lots of colourful name calling.😠
3. Bargaining – yup, right after name calling.:|
4. Depression – ahhh… here we are. Helplessness and hopelessness
5. Acceptance – not yet then.

It turns out that on that day I was in depression. 😣

I had gone through the shock, anger the following day, thought about the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” and I was in depression. Ahh..

The next day was the xmas dinner with the business. We had the speeches which I didnt want. I just thought it was not a good time. The boss knew as well but the general manager was pushing it. As the boss was giving his forced and reluctant speech which led to him thanking us individually and even after the general manager was forcing up to stand up to toast the boss – i realised that the boss felt sad too.

I went home that night and thought about how much the business has changed. Where the business was and where the boss was. He was getting old and I knew he was not going to be building his business but keeping it small and manageable.

I accepted it.

I accepted the situation, the redundancy.

I thought, “This is now my time to freely create and choose my future path”. A move that I wanted for a long time, three years in the making, and finally the Universe realised that I wasnt gonna take action and so the Universe did it for me.

I started with introducing myself as Karen from MindDirectors, give away my business cards, give kickass workshops, jazz up my MindDirectors site and refocused on my future vision again. Yep. This must be the fifth time I changed my website but this time would have to be my favourite and one that shows me. Yay for Karen! (www.MindDirectors.com)😆

Look let’s be real. It hasn’t been easy.

Each day I do what I can to keep motivated or stay on track and be happy – watching happy tv, youtube,  Brene Brown audible, Tony Robbins and playing lots of games – but I still felt the anxiety, the worries and the fears.

On Saturday, yesterday, after a grueling two days of baking and icing gingerbread men, I woke up to the feeling ofanxiety. So I sat myself down and coached myself.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

(Probably some harse words I dont use on clients)

Here’s the bottom line. What was wrong with me was the same old voice, the mini me, that was still trying to live someone else’s life.

The solution – stop worrying about what *that person* will think, all that matters is what Karen thinks.

I can enjoy my holidays and not stress out during this period and apply for jobs or feel guilty. I am allowed to just chill and take a well earned rest.

Just enjoy and chill. Watch tv. Watch youtube.  Play games. Play simcity. Bake. Cook. Just cut me some slack.

The thing is, no one is giving me stress or words or standards. Its just me. I thought about how I used to coach and how stressful i could’ve been toothers. The truth is that you can only give what you got. I was living a life where I had a noose around my neck, a noose that I put on each day.

Do or die bitch!

And I, in the last 3 years, since the date i had with destiny, have come home to not doing and hence dying bitch. I hated my life but was too shit scared to leave it. Pretty sure I deliberately sabotaged myself financially to lock me up in my shitty life. Another revelation.

I just have to give myself a break and just be in the moment. Stop worrying that you’re not good enough or whether you can or you cant. Just do. Give myself to others, give to others and when the holiday season is over, walk my ass into that kickass dream job and ace the interview.

Oh yeah, forgot to update yall. The interview was pushed back to early January because they were busy. I thought it was perfect as that gave me time to get ready. Get ready on a mental level.

Don’t tell anyone – i actually looked on my YouTube channel and saw 5 views on the video challenge  that i did. I thought…. who could be watching it. And then it hit me. I searched for the organisation and bam! Just as i thought. There were other videos from other applicants. Maybe other people didnt watch mine but i watched others. Lol

I wanted to know who else is applying for the job and when they applied. Im grateful I found those videos. I feel much more at ease and found my confidence. Not being cocky or anything. I just saw how strong my skills in facilitation and running a workshop has gotten over the years. I move rooms. Im happy with that. Go Karen. 😆✌

So this week is about tying loose ends at the current job and cleaning my slate for a new start. It’s finally a good feeling that I’m really on my right path and I feel the Universe’s energy and vibes. Those fucking ships have burnt down. My fellow TR buddies will get that.

I’ll admit, I still don’t particularly want to start talking to anyone about what my plans are etc. My mind would rather not be there and I’m not ready to defend my thoughts/ideas to anyone or try to put someone else’s concerns at ease.

I think vulnerability is saying, “Yes, I was made redundant and no i dont know what I’ll be doing next”. If someone else cant live with that answer comfortably then it’s not my vulnerability at stake here its their level of comfort with vulnerability.

Anyways, I’ll leave you with that thought. Goodnight! 😙

Karen x 🙂

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