I Turned Thirty!

31 Oct , 2014 Thoughts

I Turned Thirty!

Yes I turned 30 on Sunday 26th October 2014. No, I didn’t get Nando’s for free – I should’ve went to get some though.

I spent my thirtieth with friends at Rosebud this year. A mini getaway for us all to beach land and winery land = my two favs.

Initial thoughts …

I did say I wasn’t going to celebrate my 30th unless I had my own place. And I was still going to stick to it but one of my friend’s was coming back all the way from America and I thought, I might do something. I asked myself, how I really wanted to spend my birthday and honestly, I didn’t want to get pissed at a bar and I didn’t want to do it at my folks place. So I booked a nice holiday house away and I guess in some ways, the place was mine for the night.

How I celebrated my 30th …

It was a lovely little villa in Rosebud. Enough beds and roomy enough for 11 of us. Lovely get away. I made a lot of food. I wanted to make sure we were all fed and had enough leftovers for breakfast. Hey, I made them come all the way out to the beach, the least I could do was make sure that they were well fed and had a bed to sleep on.

The biggest stress wasn’t so much the preparation and cooking. The stress was in looking for accommodation. Oh man, that night I was soooo stressed out making sure everything was clean enough and looked decent enough. I remember stumbling across this dirty, shabby looking place in the mountains and the lady was going to charge me $500 for the night. Gross.

It was a lovely two days. I did anticipate that it would rain or be cloudy as it is always cloudy on my birthday. To my surprise, the weather was ok. Not super hot, not super cold, not rainy. Just Kellog’s Just Right.

The theme was Mexicano Fiesta – something easy and fun – DIY tacos, DIY Burritos, dips and etc.

My friends were lovely enough to buy me gifts and surprise me with the gifts and a cake with so many candles it melted the cake a little. Here’s a picture of all the goodies:

L to R:

L to R: Mecca limited edition nail polish set, Clarisonic, Little Black Book, Pandora ring, Nars blush in orgasm, Stila eye shadown, Sephora lip box favourites, Brookside chocolate, Long Champ bag, Nars lipgloss and Butter London nail box set. Oh and 2 cakes!

How do I feel now that I am 30?

To be honest, I don’t really feel all that different. mmmm… On second thought, I do feel a lot different.

I didn’t drink much that night but for some reason, I was really drunk in the middle of the night – you know the kind when life seems to be spinning and all these stupid thoughts came into my head. At first I started to think about all the things that I wasn’t happy about on the day – things that I could’ve done better, different ways to prepare food, different food to cook, different drinks to make.

Then it led to thinking about my life and thinking about my stream. I haven’t thought about the stream in so many years. The stream is a metaphor for life and struggle that Abraham Hicks uses to describe how we choose to live. You can either accept life as it is and flow down stream with life or you can live swimming upstream believing that life is meant to be hard and you were meant to work really hard at life.

I can’t remember whether it was 5 years or more than that ago, when I was first exposed to this theory, I came to understand that I was perched on a rock from feeling really tired from fighting for a relationship and life that it was just not going to happen.

That night when I turned 30, I realised I was perched on the rock again but this time, trying to stay close to family and some friends and to keep the distant close. I started to realise why I just didn’t want to “try” hard but just keep sabotaging myself – all of which to stay close to people. I thought about everyone in my life and thought about where they are on the stream and where I was in comparison.

I thought about, where I wanted to be and the people I wanted to be with. I thought about wanting to join the league of extraordinary women and how I didn’t feel like I had anything to show for at the moment hence not wanting to go. I thought about the opportunities I missed. I thought about all the restaurants and places in the world that I haven’t been with which all my friends have been to and thought – am I really behind or do I really care?

I thought about all the things that other people have and that I don’t have and thought – do I really want these things or do I want it because other people have it.

I thought about realistically where my life was heading and how far away I would be down stream and how “distant” I would feel. But I KNEW, I could no longer continue to perch on the same rock any more as it was hurting me so much inside. I can’t imagine living a life that I don’t want to live and resenting every person I thought I was living for. I can’t deny the fact that there were so many moments that I thought ending my life would make it easier because I wouldn’t have to keep living in a place that means nothing to me.

I KNEW I had to let go and move forward. Even if I didn’t know HOW to move, I knew that I had to be around people that knew and I know how much they want to help me. I know which path I need to take. Look it’s not fashion. At least it wouldn’t be me making clothes to sell. I just don’t have that passion for making clothing like I used to when I was a kid. I guess in some ways, I did it in the past because I was making something that I couldn’t buy – like a pair of wide legged jeans were too expensive, so I got my parents to buy me fabric and I’d make it.

Or I was obsessed with leg warmers at one stage – instead of buying them because they were expensive, I made them. Formal time came around and I thought – buying a dress was so expensive, so I made one instead – made many.

I was obsessed with Jacqui’s “fame” in high school that I wanted to be that. Ultimately, I just wanted to be seen. Ultimately I just wanted to feel special, like I can do something that others can’t.

My boyfriend the other day, as we walked past “Alistair Trung’s” shop on Little Collins said, “You should open your own too. KLUU”.

I can’t tell you how shocked I was to hear that.

It makes me wonder what is he thinking about lately.

Now, I’m thinking about how I want to spend my days. How I want to spend my weeks. How I want to live my years of life ahead of me.

Do I feel old? No.

Do I feel older? Yes.

Most definitely, I do. Now that I’ve let go of that rock, and drifted to where I’ve drifted to down stream I’m feeling less pressured, less depressed and less anxious of how am I going to take care of my family. I’m actually more focused of the idea of, going down stream will allow me to take care of them. I don’t have to emotionally/mentally be where they are, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

That’s the same with friends as well. As I’m drifting downstream, I’m letting go of the idea of what my friend’s could be thinking. Whether it’s pity, whether it’s “oh, she can’t afford these things” or “Oh, she can’t afford to go to these places” or what not, I don’t care. I know that as a friend, it shouldn’t be like that. It’s about respecting the path that others have taken to follow their passion. At the same time, I suppose, I can’t judge them for the path that they have taken as well.

Following my roots, remembering where I came from and staying grounded is something very important.

Knowing what I’m worth. Doing what I love doing. Sharing thoughts to those who listen. Is most important.

I have definitely changed so much since 25. My biggest lesson at this stage in life, is learning to stand up for myself and differentiating my thoughts from other people’s opinions and thoughts.

What is most important to me now is my health, my brain, my thoughts and my passion. I’m using the rest of the year to plan my next steps and hopefully create something that is effortless and something that works on my strengths.

Oh and did I mention I made my first $100 from blogging! It’s not much but to me it’s a huge milestone! Thank you for your support and for those who’ve come into my blog and read my blog. I’m not sure whether I have a fan base as yet or whether it’s just random people each day. It doesn’t matter. If you’ve read my blog, or if you are reading this right now.

THANK YOU

Karen x

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