So Many Changes!?!?!

24 Aug , 2015 Thoughts

So Many Changes!?!?!

It’s been so long since I wrote. I think I have a trend of writing that opening statement, but this time, there really has been a long absence since I wrote.

In truth, I took a long hiatus to recharge, recover and commence my new journey. I guess, I wanted to wait a little time for things to settle before I started to write about what is happening.

Well… from where I last left off, I think I hinted about a breakup. Yes, I have broken up and now single and free again! The last relationship was getting to a point where it was not doing any favours for anyone and I guess in some ways it was going to happen but didn’t know when and instigated by whom. You can only walk so far with a person that you know you ain’t working on the same path. It’s like one person is taking a trek high above the hills, and the other is walking down a concrete pathway in a city somewhere. There’s no way that the destination was going to end up being the same place. Better we save ourselves the agony and just walk on our own paths.

I’ve also left the drink-driving job that I’ve worked for 5.5 years. I left the whole organisation. Why? I needed to find something more stable and was really getting tired of living a lifestyle of “uncertainties” – there is only so much uncertainty you can live with before it eats up you and does more harm than good. It was the best decision I’ve ever made – because it was one that I’ve made years ago but never had the balls to just do it.

The other is that I started the MBAE at RMIT. Those four days at intake weekend, which is the intensive Business in a Global Context weekend was fucking the best thing I’ve ever done. Better than NLP. Better than coaching intensives. Better than Tony Robbins. Yes, I said it! Ok… maybe not BETTER than Tony Robbins, but EN PAR! Why? Because I loved being in a room full of people who just get it. Who are on the same page. Who have the same passion and the same drive. It’s being in a room full of orange people or level 5 – yes my TR, TCI and NLP people will understand! 🙂

I also started working full time for the first time in my life. Ok, technically the second time as the first time was when I first finished UNI. Look, even I surprised myself that I made it into the second month and am still waking up at 7.20AM and getting to work by 8.30AM. Like.. WHAT!?! I now sleep a whole lot earlier and have changed my entire life around. It sounds stupid.. but for someone who’s work was predominantly at night time and that sort of lifestyle trained me to be an night owl… I am really happy to be an early bird now.

I guess, for me, the bottom line or conclusion that I can draw from these changes is that I’ve become a very different person. My whole outlook on life is different. I feel more positive. I am a lot more talkative and chirpy and jokey. I am laugh more. I am more involved with the world and people. I am more sociable. I am more likeable. I am more confident even.

A lot has gone down in the last five years and from not being careful, I really saw my life go down hill. I was very closed up and didn’t want to see life for what it really was – always latching on hopes, latching on dreams and not latching on realities.

I spent my whole twenties just thinking and focusing on two things – start a business and get married.. Actually, the only two things I was thinking about was get married and have children. The closer to being 30, the more I felt like I had to get married, had to have kids before it was too late. And what happened? I gave up on opportunities, gave up on strengths, gave up on standing up for myself and my standards because I just wanted those two things to happen. Did it happen? Fucking didn’t happen anyway.. lol waste of time!

Two weekends ago, I watched “My Love from Another Star” again for the hell of it. I cried my eyeballs out. I felt so stupid and so “jibbed” that I fell for people that would’ve never loved me they way Do Min Joon love Chuen Song Yi. And the sad thing is I let it happen.

Reality check, wake up call?

Or maybe it was just my heart healing: healing to be ready for the next relationship, the next challenge, the next adventure.

Work wise… there is an adventure coming up. I can just feel it. The new job won’t last long. I know it won’t. Not because I hate it. Not because they hate me. Not at all. It’s just that we’re on different pathways and different wave lengths. We usually have induction chats with the boss the first day you start, but unfortunately, or fortunately, I didn’t have mine until 2 months into the job. It was a hard conversation. I did feel really bad for the boss. He knew that I wasn’t meant to be here. He knew that I cannot be here forever. He hoped that I could stay for a while but he knew that I am destined to leave – the hard part was that he didn’t know when.

I can say that this is the sort of trend that I’m seeing in a lot of job offers and people this year. It happened with the old people, it happened with new people I’m meeting and it’s happening at this place. I’ll be honest, I am really thankful that I am appreciated by a lot of people – I love that and am thankful of that. I really am.

The only sad part is that, if everyone keeps thinking that I don’t belong there and I should be doing big things – what are these big things and how and when can I start?

I guess in some ways, perhaps in the relationships that I have been in in the last few years may have had that same feeling and it’s just me that didn’t see it. Perhaps that guys that I have dated have known that they cannot offer me the kind of “job” that I am destined for. That I will leave one day because of boredom or when I “realise” that they are not the “awesome” guy that they hoped they could be and it’s only matter of when I leave them.

But the sad part is again, if every guy I meet keeps thinking that I deserve “better” then when, where and who is this person?

I have never imposed that on someone. That’s why it is imperative that I am with a guy who is secure with who he is. Though, everyone is insecure in some ways. Even me. But maybe, I have to reassure people more? Reassure how awesome they are, how happy I am to have them in my life? Is that how they do it? LOL

I guess, that right now, I am willing for the universe to put me in a place, in a career with someone who wants to develop me into a bright star.

And have a relationship with someone who believes that he is a right fit for me. (Edit: Or now that I think of it, someone that I remember to let them know that I am really happy that they are in my life.)

I am tired of holding back. I am tired of pretending to be less than who I really am. I tried for 2 months to be a friendly administrator and I am no good at it. So much so that many people in this organisation know that I am destined for a management role or a leadership role. So much so that the guy who took the general manager role at the last job keeps thinking that he stole my job and still feels like I hate him for doing so – when it’s not even like that.

You know why I decided to do the MBAE?

I did it because I wanted to make something out of it for me. I AM doing it because I want people to know who I am and what I am capable of. I want to take on board the opportunities to put myself out there and BE SEEN.

We had a pitch session on the last day of our intensive weekend at RMIT – and mate, I killed it! I was shaking all over from excitement and nerves and I killed it. I went in there and I presented like I was made to do it. And I really wish that I keep it going and one day be kicking it on TEDX, around the world, at forums, at summits.

And at the same time, come home to a loving husband who just supports what I do, is proud of the person that I am and feels happy to be a part of the ride while he does what he do.

That’s not too much to ask for, is it Universe?

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