I’m totally getting into mode now, writing as I listen to Korean love songs. lol
I’ve had some really big revelations and breakthroughs in the last week. It’s been a weird two weeks, a really vulnerable and raw two weeks. I guess I had to go through them to be able to learn more about what it means to be me and why what I’ve been wanting to have, hasn’t happened.
Maybe let’s leave the deep stuff until later – so keep scrolling if you want to skip the next few bits.
So, about 4 days ago, I did it. I dyed my hair. I dyed my hair a ridiculously light colour! Platinum! Yep. Platinum. It was one of those colours that I said I would do if my business ever made it big. So yeah, kind of jumped the gun a little and did it anyway. lol
It was a really strange day, of all days to forget to bring my phone, that was the day. Because I didn’t have my phone, I didn’t get to show the hair dresser what I wanted or what I had in mind. So I did what I have been doing in the last year when I went to hairdressing appointments (what you shouldn’t do), verbally explained what I wanted.
“Ummm… kind of light brown with lavender and blonde bits?”
Then she clarified with me again later – “So you mean, platinum with like lavender, kind of purple-y-grey?”
To which I replied, “…Yes.” Without even thinking for a split second what platinum purple grey meant.
The result, a big significant switch from having black hair to now having white/grey hair. Yeah.. lol I have granny hair #grannyhair .. I swear for the first 2 days I laughed at myself every time I looked at myself in the mirror. It was so light.
It was after a nourishing session on Saturday with purple toners, conditioners, olaplex and light drying of the hair that my hair finally got back some of its life. The pains of being a woman – I have never in my life invested so much money and time on my hair. Maybe because I am blessed with beautiful healthy hair (that I went and killed), that now I have to resuscitate it. But yeah… the embodiment of what it means to be a girly girl – purple toner, purple conditioner, sulfur-free colour safe shampoo, olaplex, hair oils, spending a long time drying my hair, I bought a boar-hair brush and a couple of hundred $$ later, there’s still things that I can still get to have nice hair. **cries** :((
So naturally, with a new head full of grey hair, I went shopping.. MAN… my hair looks so awesome, it makes me want to buy everything cool I try on… #firstworldproblems
Though, if these were the ONLY WOMAN PROBLEMS I have, then I’d be pretty happy.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
My big revelations started off with recognising the pattern that I have when I am interested in someone. So naturally, I ran the same behavioural pattern/strategy (for all the NLP people out there, you know what I’m talking about). BUT, the more I allowed for the vulnerability to come out, the openness of sharing what I was feeling and thinking, the deeper I went.
One very sad night, as I sat in my car, balling my eyes out, I asked the universe – Why? Why still?
And slowly, but surely, the answers started to appear.
I watched this video from BuzzFeed – “Why I am no longer scared of commitment“. It made perfect-f*cking-sense to me. I had been doing that. Not intentionally, but I guess I was too afraid of getting to know the guys that I like for the fear of being told things that showed me something I didn’t like? I thought about the last few guys I liked and what kind of person were they – I mean I knew some things about them, I wasn’t a total player, but there were still a lot of things that I didn’t know but didn’t really want to know. Which is funny right because being a coach, I go really deep with people and I do that with friends – platonic friends and clients. Maybe I didn’t want to coach these guys?
Anyway, the huge revelation made me think about what I was doing all these years and why a lot of the guys that I was interested in weren’t interested in me. The more I think about it, the more I even think I wouldn’t go out with me. I was allowing my “masculine hunter” come out to hunt instead of be the feminine that I had “tried” to be.. or “wanted” to be… or “thought” I was being.
I guess, the masculine in me is one of those arsehole players that only like woman for the surface – the looks, the fun, the jokes – but never really wanting to go deeper. I did find myself sometimes not wanting to hear about what they were telling me – I’m such an arsehole guy.
BUT. BUT. There’s always a but… The feminine was always there. The feminine was always there to watch over me and make sure that I don’t fuck up too much. The feminine was the one that comes out and freaks out; the vulnerable one that shares my feelings; the one that makes me stop; the one that makes me run away because perhaps on a very unconscious level, I knew these guys that I “hunted” were not the masculine men that I needed in my life. And it made perfect sense to me recently when I was baffled with confusion. My stronger friends told me, “If he ain’t fighting for you; leave”. And it made me remember a video that I watched a LONG time ago from Tony Robbins – THIS ONE. I cried. They were right. They were absolutely right, this is what I want in my life.
Isn’t that what all women want? A MAN that no matter what she throws at him, he never lets go. And I’m not talking about a guy being a submissive scardy-cat who just looks down and lets the woman yell at him. I’m talking about a real man who just lets her go crazy and he’s present – he’s there – he looks into her eyes and let’s her know that he’s there and not going anywhere.
I remember when I was doing my relationship coaching training workshop and we were shown this at our class. Every woman there cried their eyes out. We all knew. It was tears of longing and tears of empathy – like we knew exactly what was going on. The coaching “session” was for the guy in the relationship. He felt out of love, he felt hopeless as a man and felt like his wife was going to leave him. The session was to strengthen his masculinity. At first she was yelling at him and then saying, “Just leave me alone” and she walked off to the side of the stage. He stood there, helpless, unsure, not knowing what to do. And then she started running around the room (oh “she” is our coaching mentor). She stepped out of the role and told him to follow her. So at first it was like “chasy” – “Cat and Mouse” but we could see the difference between following like a little boy; chasing like a perpetrator/monster; and matching her stride, being there, being present and allowing her to move in freedom but letting her know that he’s there. The more she ran, the more he followed, the more we cried because we felt it. The change in him was amazing. And in the end the feminine surrendered (as Tony Robbins likes to put it) as well as the shift in each and every one in the room – male and female.
I think that’s the biggest misunderstanding between men and women – that guys think woman are annoying when they play these games. But, they never stop to think that their woman is acting this way because she is feeling insecure, uncertain, unsure of what is happening between them, not knowing if she is loved and not feeling significant – *cough* you, guy, are not fulfilling her 4 core needs.
Another misunderstanding men make is that they think that fighting/arguments/anger is a bad thing. It’s a bad thing when she’s complacent – that’s when she has nothing to fight for and she’s ready to leave. It’s always calmest before the storm – in this case, there is no storm, just leaving.
I think the last time I actually felt that amount of love from someone was way back in high school. I remember I was playing around with him and I kept running away and each time, without fail, he would chase after me and hold me tight. It felt really nice and naturally the love between us was really strong. Thanks dude. 🙂
You know what the sad thing is?
My next revelation was that I realised I haven’t had that kind of love with another person since. *cries*
I mean, I have loved the guys I dated but the kind of love was different. In some ways, it felt like sympathy. (I bet any of my exs who reads this would be like.. what!!??.. sorry guys!)
Why do I feel this way? I listened to Joe’s “No One Else Comes Close” and I thought back to when was the last time I was with someone where we just hugged and told each other how much we loved each other and told each other how much the other meant… and I was fucken stumped. When was the last time?
I don’t know why. I don’t know when I closed the door to my heart. When I decided or made a decision never to love someone, never to fall in love with someone. And I mean love, I don’t mean infatuation. I can be really infatuated by someone, yeah, but then the infatuation disappears and I get bored but most times I stay in the relationship anyway from routine and from thinking that this is “love” but eventually it ends.
My thoughts are, from the moment I started to hate myself, that was when I started to close the door. The moment I had nothing to offer someone else, I stopped. I became my own man but I kept chasing after this anomaly called love that I didn’t understand or feel.
Maybe, I’m being dramatic, maybe I’m over-dramatising what a relationship should look like, but fundamentally, shouldn’t you be with someone that tells you how much they love you and how much they mean to you each day?
I am purposely making a differentiation between a MAN and a guy. I have definitely dated and been infatuated with guys or sometimes unfortunately, a boy or a low-level masculine. A guy that I feel like I have to protect. A guy that I feel like I have to “save”. A guy that I have to LEAD.
Being masculine is not about money, it’s not about the career, it’s not about how tall or short or muscular. Masculine is about being grounded; it’s about being protective, supportive; it’s about being present; it’s about being decisive. It’s an energy. I still remember the masculine roar at Tony Robbins – no one was roaring about how much money they made; no one was roaring about how many houses they had; no one was roaring about how many fucking bench presses they can do (if that is a gym term… ) They roared for two things – FREEDOM and LOVE.
The men who have come into my life – the husbands, the dads, they totally understand this – doesn’t matter how hard we work on our assignments and how much time we have to take out, they ALWAYS make time for their wives and their children. It doesn’t matter how stressed they are, how much pressure they get put under – they always remember to tell their wives how important they are and love them. Always.
What saddens me is the thought.. that for the last 15 years since the boyfriend in high school, I haven’t felt a MAN fight for my love. Instead to ‘replicate’ or I guess, experience the “fight”, the masculine in me fought for them.
You will always want what you want. If you can’t get it, you will go out and make it happen, even if it means that you do it yourself.
The masculine energy in me is not a bad thing. It’s the strength of the masculine that drives me to work hard, to work with strength, to think of strategic plans and to keep pushing myself to get out there and STEP THE FUCK UP. I am present, I am decisive, I lead.
But what I have been noticing is the feminine energy in me also growing and developing. Like I said earlier, it’s not just the girly girl, but it’s the Queen-Feminine energy/archetype that is growing. I feel this now when I am with people/men/clients who need a bit of a masculine energy boost – I no longer go into my masculine and rev them up, I go into my feminine to just be there until they are ready. I wouldn’t say nurturing, but perhaps there is that there. Maybe it’s love and acceptance that they are already enough.
I don’t even know what they way forward is right now. I’m just done with playing the same games, the running of the same patterns, the attraction of the same guys, the pain from the same thing – I’m done.
Maybe the next step is like ballroom dancing – allowing the masculine to lead, to lead the next step. Maybe, I gotta get out there and be around more masculine guys and feel my feminine energy boost – I need that.
Tony Robbins – “When do women need love and attention? All the FUCKING time!”