When Everything Seems Wrong
Dang.. I just looked at the posts on my blog and realised that the last 5 posts have been about subscription boxes. Oops!
Talk about not planning well. In honesty, I did film a vlog the other day but felt that it was very long and I wanted to re-film before I put it up again.
So what have I been up to lately?
I dyed my hair black, yes, I no longer enjoyed the red copper tones that my hair gets after the colour fades.
I also became a lot more free. In the last few weeks I actually felt free for the first time in a while. Reason being that I’m not forcing myself to work as hard as I did and just take time off. So yes, there are many times when I feel really bored (I know, right, bored) and some times I just feel less productive – which can be problematic. So I sought out to spend more time with my blog and YouTube channel.
Having said this, I have actually focused more on stopping the “talk” that goes on in my brain. You know the talk where you freak out because you’re almost 30 and you seem like you haven’t done anything and you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re still not where you want to be and everyone seems to be doing something cool on facebook but nothing you do seems to work and you feel less and less motivated and then freak out and feel like you have to do something but it all just doesn’t seem like it’s not working? (Takes a deep breath)
I won’t lie, I have been feeling debilitated and not inspired. You know I’ve been questioning everything and perhaps over questioning things can be detrimental than therapeutic. I remember a few weeks back I was just angry. Furious over everything in the world. Angry with everyone. I stopped hanging out with people because I didn’t want to hurt someone. I was angry at work, angry at the work I had to do and angry with myself – essentially.
I felt like I was doing all these things that I didn’t want to do but HAD to do because of financial obligations. I absolutely did not enjoy that. I had come across so many clients who gave me so much trouble and conflict that it was not funny any more.
I felt like all the jobs I was applying for was just not happening and the business, not happening as well. Rejection upon rejection. I don’t think I managed to get a job in how many years of applying and trying. I felt so little. So small. So insignificant. Like nothing I studied, experienced, learnt or gained mattered. Everything about me meant nothing.
Why was the universe hating on me so much?
Or why was I hating on myself so much?
Then I jolted the system and went out to meet some people. Got banned from a bloody Facebook group in the process, but it’s cool. I met people and they reminded me to live again.
So in the past two weeks, I have:
- finally painted two paintings of flowers
- played with polymer clay and made a wheel cane
- joined an 8 week improvisation acting class and did the first workshop which was amazingly fun
- baked the Adriano Zumbo macarons and totally fucked it up
- ate lots of chocolate
In the process, I learnt that:
- I have not “played” since I was 12 years old (18 years of no play makes Karen a dull girl)
- using the body and not thinking can create interesting scenarios with other people
- polymer clay canes are really interesting
- I don’t have much patience for small things sometimes (such as macarons)
- I don’t have to convince people to be my client – my client is someone who wants to work with me
- I can’t control what happens, I just have to let it go and play
- people don’t always have to follow through or commit – and me too
- I enjoy working on projects
- I can make things work such as finally completing the website with an offshore supplier that I thought would never happen
My body is still sore from the improve class. I literally jumped up and down, rolled on the ground and contorted my body in shapes of the alphabet. I can feel the lactic acid around parts of my body. Good thing though, is that it’s reminded my body of muscles that I haven’t used. Although, I do feel like crap and lethargic.
So my play therapy has really helped me to loosen up and put my mind in a better place. Focusing on having fun and creating things rather than always thinking of how I can build a business and how I can get clients and how I can get this and that and etc.
None of it matters if I am not happy.
If I am not happy, I can’t create my future. Honestly, being debilitated in anger and depression really obscured the vision I saw for myself, if I did see anything.
Now I’m slowly building that vision. Slowly seeing my beautiful clients coming into my life. Spending more time writing about things that I enjoy. Doing videos on YouTube to review things that I find interesting. Hanging out with people whom share the same thoughts. Working on small projects with groups that I find have common interests.
We are not expected to be able to see what we want straight away. Not everyone is blessed with a clear vision. Some of us take a bit of time to process things and to build things slowly.
That’s the key isn’t it. That in life, you gotta do the things you gotta do and in the pace that you are comfortable with. It’s not about matching what other people can do all the time.
Sometimes you do need a bit of guidance from someone who can observe you from the outside in and that is the magic that I like creating with my clients and potential clients. To work with them at their pace to uncover their vision, to uncover the “play” that they are passionate about and to help them to build a life of balance between dreams, business, life and self.
It’s not too much to ask for is it Universe?
Here’s some perspective: Think about where you were 2 years ago and where you are now.
Two years ago I was still complaining about relationships and the “problems” I experienced were all about relationships and why it wasn’t happening. Two years on and the “problems” I experience now are about Identity, career and self. I wonder what my “problems” in another two years time will be. Probably about portfolio or family or kids.
It will pass.
A quote I heard from the improv teacher the other day:
“Something will happen and if not something must happen”.
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