Why I Feared Being a Leader
It’s been a long wait since I’ve vlogged or blogged! The plan was to film this last week but I starting getting sick from a long busy week with lots of late night driving in thick as fog…. I kid you not.. Last Wednesday I drove from Taylors Lakes to home (on the southeast side) and it was thick ass fog all the way!! So the WHOLE of Victoria or Melbourne was fogged!
Then on Thursday it was even worse… it was so bad I couldn’t see 1-2 metres in front of my car. It was so white and eerie, I was convinced the Ring Girl or the Grudge Chick would pop out to hitch a ride.
Anyways, aside from the fog, I have been deep in pondering mode. My favourites for the other week was a quote from Tony Robbins. I had a mental breakdown two weeks back. It finally happened and I had to consult my mentor – Tony Robbins. I watched a video and he said one thing that I thought, “Fuck. I totally forgot all about that one”.
“Doing the RIGHT THING at the WRONG TIME still causes a lot of pain. Know where you are in the seasons!”
Well.. that’s not verbatim, but something along the lines of that. Seasons! Cycles!
I use this concept when I talk to my clients about relationships. The seasons is used to help us to understand where we are so that we know what we need to do.
Let’s start with Spring – Spring is a time of new beginnings, new ideas, new blossoms, new seeds being sown. In relationships, it’s meeting someone new, starting a new relationship, courtship, flirting. In business, it’s starting a new business, a fresh start.
Summer – Summer is time of patterns and allowing for growth. It’s a time for chilling, meeting, growing comfortable etc. In relationships it’s when the couple establishes the routine and patterns. It’s when the family meets each other, friends meet and you form a life together. In business, it’s watching the business running, forming new partnerships, networks etc.
Autumn – Autumn is a time to reap rewards. It is a time of development and results. In relationships, it is a time of birth whether literally giving birth, or getting married, getting a pet, buying property together, starting a business together – something that is the product of the two parties. In business, Autumn is results. Seeing your business gain business from the marketing, strategies or partnerships formed.
Winter – Winter is a time of reflection. In relationships it’s looking at the relationship and deciding what to do next: how will it evolve or is it time to move on. In business, it is the same thing.
The seasons can cycle at a few months and sometimes a few years – usually they say the cycle can last up to 7 years, especially in relationships… “The Seven Year Itch”.
Ok, so where am I going with all this? If you don’t know by now, I am a “that is why” person. I am highly analytical and I want to understand why I feel a certain way or why I behave a certain way. I’ll give you this – neither counselling nor coaching likes people thinking “WHY”. Any way. I like to break rules.
I realised that I had been in Autumn in the last year or so. Because I failed to sow the proper seeds or maintain my business well, I had shit all results in Autumn. Nothing to look at. Nothing that had gained. I basically went into my field and there was nothing to look for. Maybe not nothing.. but very very few and minor. This was the same for relationships. As a result, I was licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself because nothing was going anywhere and there was nothing I had given birth too.
When I realised that I moved into Winter. Reflection. And it was only then that I actually started to “constructively” decipher the feedback given or to see what the hell was going on.
Over the weeks of doing Playback and long drives I’ve been doing while listening to my favourite, “Dr Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention”, I came up with a few thoughts:
1. I have a huge fear of being a Leader
I had been cool with this last year. I started to really fear this for some odd reason, this year. I keep thinking of a phrase that one of the NLP trainers said,
“When you walk and people follow you, you are a leader. When you walk and look back and there’s no one there, you’re just walking”.
Ha. I saw this at the Playback theatre workshop because there are occasions where you take turns being a leader in a quadrant and when you are leading the quadrant, you cannot see what people are doing behind you until you turn and give the leadership to someone else. I found myself turning quite frequently and not “OWNING” the experience.
I noticed that my biggest fear was turning around and realising that no one was there. Which leads me to the next thought.
2. I FEAR looking a frickin’ idiot and taken as an idiot/stupid
This is a blend of my ego and the fear of being a leader again. I’ve been struggling with this one as this is actually the reason why I did the theatre workshop. I wanted to learn to open up and let go of the “perfect” image. The “I don’t care if I pick my nose to make you laugh” comedian in me which I know I have but don’t want to show.
The other thing is that I don’t want to be made a fool. I don’t think anyone wants to. But this also leads to the next thought.
3. I am tired of being taken advantage of
I have consistently allowed other people to take advantage of me. Taking my time, wasting my time, allow others to make up excuses, service other people’s needs but undermining my own, put other people first and not putting my self first.
I don’t mean being selfish. I mean, I would go to someone’s house and wait 2 hours for them. Or 1 hour for them because I don’t want to miss the appointment and they are just taking their sweet time to prepare or get there.
I have changed my plans to accommodate someone else’s needs. I have rocked up to appointments and waited, only to be stood up. I have not asked for more money even though I know I deserve more because of time.
I have said ‘Yes’ to things that I know I should have said ‘No’ as it does not respect me.
Not taking care of me is doing no justice to anyone.
4. I haven’t had “FUN” in so long
I truly haven’t felt like I’ve had any fun. Life feels boring at times. The monotony, the mind-numbing repetition of the same ole same ole. The non-stimulating work that I do. It all seems so boring and just not fun at all.
5. Some friends are not really friends.
This is the hardest of all. This kind of ties in with number 3, allowing others to take advantage of me. This one breaks my heart because I feel that there are people that I have cared for and loved so much for so many years and to know that I might not actually know them at all is scary.
I take time to get to know people, hence why if you don’t know me, you would find me really distant and quiet. I don’t make friends easily but if I do, you’re my friend for life. I know there are people in this world that I have a one-hand-gap with, never allowing them to know me. However, most of my close friends are people that I share my life with, no-hold-backs and I find that the closest friends I have share their life with me.
What I’m finding really hard is seeing that some “friends” that I have, I really don’t know. And what makes it even scarier is that I don’t know what they think of me. Whether they really support the crazy that I do, the unconventional thoughts and path I took, or whether they see me as someone who is lazy, procrastinating and just wasting time.
Yeah, I can say that is probably the ego or mini-me or the “shadow self” talking as I probably have all that within me. But I just wonder.
With all these thoughts, what breaks my heart the most is seeing other people shine with their ONE thing (baker, singer, dancer, make up artist, actor, comedian, lawyer, auditor, analyst) and I’m everything.
As the saying goes,
“When you are good at everything; you’re not good at anything”.
What is my ONE thing? It aint coaching. It aint counselling/therapy. It’s what all y’all are thinking.
It’s clothing or tailoring.
And I didn’t use the “F” word on purpose.
So, it’s time to stop making so many review videos and really get into my ONE thing. I need to get the ball rolling and start filming time-lapse videos on my ONE thing. I do fear starting a clothing business and looking back to see no one following. I really fucking fear that. But I gotta get rolling somewhere. Even if it’s just to shape up my crafting skills and seeing where that goes.
I need to GIVE IT MY ALL, becoming a specialist of my ONE thing, my SPECIALITY instead of holding my potential back. Holding back MY TALENT. I’m tired of people wanting to give me a go but fearing that I will stuff it up. MY TALENT does not have “STUFF UP” in it. It’s all trust.
The commitment I have is not committing to clothing. It’s committing to respecting me and letting go of the fear of not being followed.
The biggest fans that I have is Karen, Me, Myself and I.
I know there are many biggest fans out there as well. I just have to keep walking and feeling like a leader. Don’t worry so much from the outside if there is no one there.
I have my plans. Right now, it’s just getting myself into the craft.
I have falling in and out of things especially with tailoring because I had that impulsiveness that all people in their 20s have – “I need to succeed now. I need to become a millionaire now”. I rushed a lot and I failed faster, harder and sometimes to the point of not being able to stand up again.
I really should just listen to the oldies and masters that I have come across on my path. Just take your time.
Do it the Karen way.
Do it Karen style.
Do it at Karen’s pace.
Hopefully some day in the future, I can retell this story and this is the pivotal points.
ps – As for the favourites, I want to live in as much authenticity as possible. Highlighting the ‘GOOD’ and not talking about the bad is not authenticity. It’s just sugar coating and can seem “fake”, like life is so wonderful and nothing’s ever wrong.
I will now do balance – for every “negative” or “unresourceful” thing I have, I will match it with a “positive” or “resourceful” thing each week. This is respecting and honouring all things you – including the not-so-positive things as well.
So stay tuned for that one! 😉
anthony robbins, autumn, coaching, counselling, fear of being a fool, fear of being a leader, fear of not being loved, fear of success, melbourne playback, minddirectors, nlp, playback theatre, power of intention, reflection, resourceful, seasons of life, seasons of relationships, spring, story of a dressmaker, story of a tailor, summer, tailoring, the seven year itch, thoughts, tony robbins, tony robbins seasons, unresourceful, winter